SIC (Squirrel In Captivity)

WANTED

2006-02-05T13:07:00.000-05:00

Wild Wet Willy

Wanted in connection with the disappearance and corruption of Rocky Rivard. Wet Willy is 5' 9", under two hundred pounds, black hair, brown eyes, and protruding grill. Last seen in the company of Whiny Wendy Winkydink. They may be walking their way west on a whim with whirligig wet-willies wrought with wasabi and woe. Do not approach this man without proper ear protection.

WANTED

2006-02-05T12:36:00.000-05:00

Whiny Wendy Winkydink

Wanted in connection with the disappearance and corruption of Rocky Rivard. Whiny Wendy is 5' 6", over a hundred pounds, black hair, brown eyes, and protruding tongue. She is often seen in the company of Wild Wet Willy, which explains some of her whining but not all. If seen, approach with caution! Wendy will whine, wrangle, and wallow without provocation.

2006-01-07T20:40:00.000-05:00

Mom and Dad,

You know what I've come to realize? You don't give an itchy rat's ass where I am or what the hell's become of me. It's been two long harrowing months and no money, no rescue attempt, not even a "how do you do?". Well I'll show you. I'll show you that I don't need no stinkin' front porch in no stinkin' Charlestown stinkin' New Hampshire. I've got my own damn money, now. Yep, went to the bank today and made myself a little withdrawl. And you know, those suckers never saw it coming. At first people were like, "oh, look at the little plastic squirrel. Isn't he cute?" "ah-ha, look the little nut on that squirrel." and "Hey, get off my foot." That is until I hopped on the counter and introduced them to my littllle ffrriennd. Oh yeah, their respectin' the Rock now.

Ooops, I think I pissed them off

2005-12-04T18:58:00.000-05:00

Well, Mom and Dad, it's been 2 long weeks since I've seen your smiling, beer and kielbasa stuffed faces. If you've been following my harrowing ordeal, you'll understand that by trying to escape, I've made my predicament just a wee bit more difficult. I was gaining their trust, doing exactly what they asked (don't ask) and laughing heartily at their jokes. Hey, did you ever hear the one about the plastic squirrel who sat all alone on the front porch? HE WAS SQUIRREL-NAPPED!! Isn't that a hoot?! Anyway, before my great escape, I could tell they were letting down their guard. Their underwear, the ones they wear over their heads, were no longer cotton briefs but chiffon thongs - just like the ones Mom wears. But now, I have been thrown out of the circle of trust and they are back to wearing cotton breifs and threating to cut off my nut. I am so scared, lonely, and confused. Where are you Mom and Dad? What's the hold up? (no pun intended) Haven't you been able to pawn off the family jewels? Have you tried e-Bay? Please, send me a sign that you still love me and want me back. I don't know how much longer I can continue to be your cheery, happy go lucky, plastic squirrel lawn ornament. Sometimes,...only sometimes, I like being here. Hurry with the moola.
Love,
Rocky Rivard

Almost, is the saddest thing of all...

2005-11-27T20:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Mom and Dad,
I almost made it. I almost escaped, ...vamoosed, ...left even. I fooled them, I told them I needed to use the can so they untied me, and while they were adjusting their underwear, the ones they wear over their heads, I bolted as fast as my little plastic squirrel legs would carry me. But then, as I approached the door, I realized that I couldn't reach the door knob. I began to panic. How could I, a seven inch plastic squirrel, out smart these dastardly, plastic squirrel pilfering thugs? Suddenly, I heard them behind me, calling - "Rocky. Rocky Rivard. There is no point in running. You're a seven inch plastic squirrel in a mile high world. Why, you can't even reach the door knob." They mocked me and laughed...laughed maniacally. I wanted to strike back, attack, scratch holes in their underwear, the ones they wear over their heads. But I couldn't, I could only stand there, holding my little plastic nut in my little plastic paw. Why, Mom and Dad, why didn't you super glue me to the porch? Stick me on the roof? Or bring me inside, where I would have been safe and warm watching "the Donald"? Why did you make it so easy...so easy for someone to pick me up and carry me off? How could you have been so trusting of these...these...people? Woe is me, woe is me.

So, you got the cash yet?

2005-11-23T23:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Mom and Dad,
I miss you and the front porch. It did get kind of cold and wet some days. But I didn't mind freezing my frickin' fuzzy tail off. I knew you were thinking of me in the cold, dark night while you sat in your nice, warm livingroom watching "the Donald." Anyway, I digress, as you might have noticed, I have been abducted ...kidnapped ...stolen even. I do not know who they are (they wear underwear over their heads to obscure their faces [I think that's why, anyway]) or where I am being held captive. Please sell the family jewels and get up $536,999.99 for their ransom demands. After you've got the dough, post a comment on this blog site. I'll...they'll be waiting.
Love you and miss you.
Rocky Rivard